Like a Snack Dick

I apologize in advance; I wish I were a rap star. I am rather annoyed and so therefore this post shall immediately be wayward. Wayward and wrong and right like a snack dick. Yes, like a snack dick. Or like Julia Louis-Dreyfus in a tighter-than-Jesus-across-the-ass-red-dress-with-a-zipper-acting-as-our-vice-president, snack dick. Shit, I either need to always be watching HBO, or I need to be grounded from HBO and adult conversations. (Props and citations to Silicon Valley and Veep.)

Argh this is a stupid day.

Dumb day, dumb day, dumb day. Jason is in North Carolina.

Child is failing a couple classes. We could fix him in like 2 months if he lived here. He really needs to be grounded. Not like, ‘you can play baseball and do fun things and go to New Orleans’, but like BE GROUNDED and life sucks because I care that you don’t end up a derelict.’ I want to punch things! ARGH.

I’m pissed that Lena Dunham is so awesomely talented, yet looks so horrible with her small boobs and cellulite and is comfortable and that makes me uncomfortable. ARGH!

It’s so blasted cold and wet outside and Iona made me stand out there for like 15 minutes while she did nothing. Only for me to discover that SHE DID NOTHING because she had already peed on the kitchen floor. Bitch. And ARGH because I love her and I can’t even be really mad.

WHY DO ALL THE SKINNY FAT GIRLS HAVE FUCKING AWESOME HAIR?

I was thinking about a new frying pan yesterday and I ordered a lime green one from Amazon and it SHOWED UP TODAY. WTF? Was Amazon hanging out around the corner and just threw one up on the porch this afternoon? The rest of the day goes askew, but Amazon can find and deliver a lime green frying pan in 18 hours???????

ARGH says the wanabee pirateoligist!

I have a $2000 Peloton spin bike upstairs and it is going unused because my cycling shoes have two holes and not three. Yes, I only have two usable holes. New shoes can’t get delivered today, but a stupid lime green frying pan can.

The smoke alarm in the hallway started beeping at 3.30am; the ficus tree named Waylon is dropping leaves, and my lower back hurts. I should have been inspired on this cold rainy day. Instead, I am stuck. Pissed. Annoyed. Stuck. ARGH. I’m going to use my new lime green frying pan tomorrow morning. I’m going to name my new lime green frying pan. I’m going to name him Snack Dick. Suddenly I feel better; like a snack dick.