Suck it Up, Sarah

‘Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a bit faster
Made my skin a bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

~Christina Aquilera: Fighter

Today my life aligned itself. Life, love, and limbs have all nicely come back together. Last night? Not so much.

Last night we fought for the first time in longer than I can remember. Sure, we’ve been periodically annoyed with each other in the recent past. Sure, we have moments of snippiness. But we always talk, laugh and move on pretty darn quickly. Last night we did none of those things. Last night that fire was burning and cursing. And oh yes, it was me that kept that fire stoked.

We both came to the table edgy and a little raw. The days have been long since we returned from NYC, and there’s been a slight unsettled feeling of too many things, too many deadlines, too many commitments, and not nearly enough time. Throw in an end to a two-day cleansing fast and a bottle of expensive wine (aptly named Relentless), and suddenly there were flames. Add my insecurities about being a second wife and a stepmother, and BOOM BITCHES. BOOM! Burn that motherfucker down.

This morning I felt a little timid and very apologetic. We spent some time sitting in bed and talked through the evening’s course of events. We discussed what we (I) should have done, and how we (me) will approach matters such as these in the future. I have learned, yet sometimes forget, what trouble my mother’s tongue and father’s will can get me into.

We are good. He still loves me. I remain a blessed woman.

Yet I still felt out of sorts and as the morning progressed, so did my disappointment. That turned into frustration, which quickly became angst. So I dressed and went to burn it off. Yep, back to the burning. Burn that motherfucker down.

As I climbed up on the bike and snapped in my clips, I looked up at the big mirror and realized I was wearing my “Suck it Up, Buttercup” shirt. Hmmm. Alignment #1. Suck it up, Sarah. You screwed up, and you learn something from it. Start with appreciation.

Badass instructor Jolie kicks off by telling us to channel whatever anger we have for someone, anyone, into class. Channel that anger and make it propel us harder and faster. Alignment #2. Suck it up, Sarah. I am angry with myself for being unnecessarily ruthless and unsympathetic to things I can’t control. Anger in that way is unproductive; channeled anger can be used to fuel my burning legs. Ding.

The music is angry women and bitter men. The class is hard and every turn of the wheel releases something in me. Jolie is yelling, “Fight! Fight! Fight! I know it hurts! You didn’t come here today to like it!” I realize I am smiling. Alignment #3. Suck it up, Sarah. Let it out. This hurt is more than a little good.

I learn that I don’t have to give up being a fighter; I learn to fight a more productive way. I learn to fight a healthy way. I learn to not fight with anger; I learn to fight with sweat. I learn that I don’t have to give up being a fighter. But sometimes a fighter needs to shut it up. Suck it up, buttercup. Suck it up, Sarah.

sarah suck it up