It’s the End of the World as We Know It

I’m not going to waste my time on the wrong person. I’m not going to waste my parent’s time introducing them to a future stranger. No more days spent picking out what you’re going to wear for nights that don’t mean anything. No more wondering if you are with the right person or not.”

~ Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

Darling Jason,

There is a little rumor going around that the world is ending tomorrow. I realize that it is already “tomorrow” where you are, but I just don’t think there were a lot of Mayans running around in the Middle East, so…I am thinking that the end may actually still be possible during my 12.21.12 timezone. Seriously, if the weather is any indication…

Since there is a modest probability that we will not actually be reunited in January as we had hoped, I thought I should give you a glimpse of what you’ve missed these past several months, and what sadly you may not get to enjoy again.

  1. Tattoos: My body has been adorned by two new stunning pieces of art. I wisely agreed to never ink your name upon my flesh, but I did still want a physical piece of you with me always. It is not accidental that ‘your’ tattoo is my most prominent. Just as you are in person, your symbolic reminder is beautiful, awesome, and hard to contain.
  2. Socks and Legwarmers: I am so delighted to tell you that long socks are “in”! Legwarmers are “in”! I am “in”! Even though I’ve been rocking the thigh high socks for years now, the rest of the civilized world has finally caught on. I might not enjoy being one of the masses, but I do appreciate the purchasing convenience that conformity affords.
  3. Girls: Since you’ve been gone, I’ve had to start dating girls. Well, to be more accurate and less porn-starish, my girlfriends have kept me company in your absence. Hmmm…that still sounds a tad lipstick. Regardless, I have come to realize that the world is a better place with good girls. Or in my case…bad girls 😉 Damn it, there I go again. Just know this…I have amazing friends and they have filled in for you at dinners and events as appropriately, entertainingly, and delightfully as they can. It certainly doesn’t hurt that my friends are all exceedingly hot, and that I’m certain we’ve fulfilled a fantasy or two around town. Raleigh will fondly memorialize you for the Fall of 2012.
  4. Iona: Your battle-axe of an old dog is fighting each day like there is no tomorrow. She might just have the right idea. Other than costing us loads of money, I have nothing to complain about. She’s been great company these past months and has led the girl posse well. (She misses you though. I can tell.)
  5. Employment: So, you know I don’t actually have an actual job anymore, right? You know I just put in a lot of hours and don’t get paid for them all and I do this because I love it, right? Maybe it’s good that the world ends in an hour or so, because then I don’t have to worry about the tax debacle that would await us come April. Really though, I didn’t ACTUALLY plan on becoming a woman of leisure upon you proposing to me. Hmmm…a kept older cougar with lots of hot girlfriends. You could have done worse. 
  6. lululemon: So…you know I don’t actually have an actual job anymore, right? So…I don’t actually have to get dressed up anymore since I don’t leave the house except to go to the gym. Thank god for lululemon. At least I wear expensive yoga pants. And they make my ass look magical. Now that I think of it, my ass should have been a category on this list, all on its own…
  7. Hair: I went dark, then I went blonde again. I’m simply meant to be a blonde. You are welcome.
  8. My Physical Being: You’ve left me alone a lot, so I’ve had some time to fill. I am at the gym or the box or on the trails every day. I feel like I’ve gained an entire person (albeit a small and rather stout one), but I’m also pretty certain I could now carry all of my hot girlfriends to safety (at once), outrun a meteor headed towards earth, or just hold my own in a Wilmington redneck bar fight. It may be in your best interest to find me a hobby if the world actually doesn’t end.
  9. Holidays: You missed them. All of them. This whole end-of-world crap has put a damper on your “welcome home” gift. I had planned to surprise you with a turkey dressed like Santa Claus that yelled “trick or treat” while waving an American Flag. Oh, and New Year’s fireworks also shot out of his Lululemon clad ass.
  10. My Right Index Finger: Even though I still have no feeling in the tip of my finger and that makes mundane tasks like texting and typing rather challenging, you should be happy to know that I now look seemingly normal. At first glance, a stranger would no longer be able to tell that I almost severed a finger in a Roman bifold door. Oddly enough, I enjoy the daily reminder of one freaking awesome romp through France and Italy.
  11. Me: You better have been missing me. All of me. I’ve missed you so hard some days that it is actually painful. Most days I’m just reciting portions of the “Power of Now” and willing for your safe return. NOW. I’m good, I’m healthy, I’m holding it together. My family has said that I’d go out with a fiery bang, I just didn’t think I’d take the world population with me in the process.

Well my love, I didn’t physically start the year with you, so it’s a little appropriate that I won’t physically end it with you either. But understand this…”It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.” I feel fine. Darling, you have been no waste of time. If this meteor doesn’t imminently wipe us all out…well, you now know what’s waiting for you on the other side.