Waiting in Wilmington

Hold me closer one more time,
Say that you love me in your last goodbye,
Please forgive me for my sins,
Yes, I swam dirty waters,
But you pushed me in,
I’ve seen your face under every sky,
Over every border and on every line,
You know my heart more than I do,
We were the greatest, me and you,

But we had time against us,
And miles between us,
The heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless,
But now the sky has cleared and it’s blue,
And I see my future in you
~ Adele: I’ll Be Waiting

Dearest Jason:

I meant to post something else today. Actually, I meant to post something last night which led into something different this morning, which then didn’t happen for one reason or another, which is relevant only to me. Regardless, I still had every intention this afternoon to post one of those things. I mean there was Halloween to talk about, and the impending Elizabeth descension upon Raleigh, or the upcoming City of Oaks 1/2 marathon that I foolishly signed up for to discuss. Then there are the things you’ve only begun to consider, due to our limited conversations…like my most awesome meeting yesterday with two incredibly inspirational people that made me want to reconsider everything I stand for in life, or the professional decisions I’ve been wrestling with these last few weeks.

All that changed when I walked into our home in Wilmington. I drove here today to check on things after Hurricane Sandy. Although “we” moved here about two months ago, I’ve only actually stayed here once before. You and Iona moved in while I was in the Philippines, and then I made a brief appearance between that trip and Dreamforce in San Francisco. And then while I was in the air en route home from CA, you crossed my airspace on your way to Afghanistan. Who ARE we???

We’ve discussed, and I’ve considered, coming down here several times in your absence, but each intent was disrupted by something that took precedence. But as we all know, if I want something to happen…it does. So, it would be honest to say that I haven’t come here, because I haven’t wanted to. Because you aren’t here.

So today I drove down on my own. The Iona Pig is still dysfunctional after her dental adventure yesterday, so I thought it best to drive solo. That may not have been one of my wisest ideas because I couldn’t actually recall ever being in Wilmington without her. You AND her…NOT here. What was I thinking?

The second I walked in, I was struck with everything “you”. Your scent, your things, your presence, your touch, your spirit. In the short amount of time that you’ve lived here, the place has absorbed you. And then I started being a tad Sarah and started thinking of me. I’m not sure how you can blame me though! I mean, you have a lot of clothes. And you REALLY have a lot of clothes for a man. When I actually move in, where will MY clothes go? Yes, I know I have a lot of clothes. I have a lot of shoes. I have a lot of handbags. I have a LOT of pretty things. And pretty things really don’t like to live in boxes. Actually, Sarah doesn’t like to live in boxes either. That might be one of the reasons I’m divorced. Oh wait, concentrate…

When I walked back downstairs the real issue struck me. HOLY FUCK, WHERE WILL ALL MY BOOKS GO? With all things considered, I have more books than you and I have clothes combined. Do you REALLY need all your things? ANY of your things? Kidding! I’m so not serious about that “any” question. Really, I’m not…but I am concerned that there isn’t room in the living room for a couch. Couch? Books? Dilemma. Really, is it REALLY a dilemma?

So I miss you. I miss you so freaking much! I get nothing out of wallowing though, so I raided the pathetic contents of the fridge. I drank your only beer, ate some of our favorite cashew buttah with an espresso spoon, and sat down to work at our dining room table. Nostalgic. Reminiscent. Optimistic.

 By the way, you do know that we don’t have a couch here, right? That means more room for more books, right? Right?